JUNE 26, 2010

Saturday, Mike's birthday. Jana, Mike and I all drove to Gunnison to get our last visit of the month to see McCord. He actually has been upped to 4 visits a month now, so that is a bonus.

McCord said he is on "summer break" until July 17, where he gets to sleep in until 11:00 and basically do anything he wants (well, you know, within his limits, of course...). He is glad for the break from the HOPE rules for the time being. He ordered a CD player a few weeks ago but he didn't have money in his commissary, so he had to wait another week. He said it is like Christmas, though, having to wait for it again.

He said there is a working ranch where there are over 600 horses caught from the desert, wild mustangs, actually and a lot of the men in there get to halter break them or saddle break them as their "JOB". There are a few "friends" in there who come back from working at the ranch, who get bucked off every single day. Does that sound like a fun job? Cord said the horses are all going up for auction in a week and anyone can purchase a halter broke or a saddle broke one, but there is no guarantee that you can ride either one of them. McCord is deathly allergic to horses, dust, dander, you name it...halters...etc. I said, Well, cant' you get allergy medicine in here and then you could work with them?" He said all they have is Benedryl and that would put him to sleep. So...I guess he won't be working on the ranch anytime soon.

When Cord has been in for 4 months, then he will be able to get a job, such as the ranch, kitchen cooking, or janatorial or even being able to go outside the walls of the prison and do clean up along the roads, etc.

He said that the prison walls are lift ups where they pour 20" concrete walls and then just lift them up. He was thinking if he dug under the wall for years , (if he happened to want to be like Michael on Prison break and get out), except isn't the floor concrete too??? then he would still just be inside the prison compound and would have to think of a way to get over the coiled barbed wire fence and past the prison tower guards and dogs...what about the dogs??? Hmmm...way too much time to think...they better keep those guys busier....

The candy and pop machines have finally been removed after a month or so of threats to do so. We did bring a supply of quarters, but to no avail...no treats for us today.

I was telling McCord that when Mike was young (and dumb) that in his construction business, he and his guys would see how many 2X4's they could lift at one time. Mike's record was 40 all by himself...(the guys bought him lunch that day). Well, to make a long story short (and actually Mike IS shorter because of the compression in his back! plus surgery) you're only young once, so take good care of your body cause you have to carry it around for your whole lifetime and you'll feel like an old man sooner . Not that Mike is feeling his 61 years!!!

If you have read this blog, you have read that Cord puts his friend on his back as he does leg exercises...that is 190# of dead weight he lifts...he said he could do like 400 something pounds at the gym back in the day...I said for him to please be wise and take care of himself in there.

I know when he was a baby, he loved for me to tickle his back and arms and sing a lullaby to him. (If you have read The Love Language book by Gary Chapman, you will understand that Cord's love language is physical touch).

After Cord was in jail last time for a year, when he got out, our house was too noisy for him and he would have to go up to his room to get away from the stress of just all the daily hubbub of family life. He also didn't like to be touched. SO sad for a mother to see the results of incarceration. He was so white too...like he hadn't seen the sun for a while...it was freaky.

SO this time, I told him that I needed to touch his arm and desensitize him to NOT not wanting to be touched when he got out this time. It was kind of freaking him out and he looked up at the ceiling where there are cameras and the guards can see us at our table chatting or doing whatever. (Last time we were there, there was a couple who were getting , let's say "a little frisky" at the next table. The guard actually had to come and tell them twice to mind their p's and q's and keep it PG).

Not that we wanted to get him into trouble...he said that he could get in lockdown and have a $250 fine. I scooted my chair closer to his and (there was several "couples" who were hanging on each other the whole time we were there which was 2 hours), and started to rub his back and shoulders. He said, "MOM! They can see!" I said, "Well, they gave that other couple TWO warnings...so they should at least come out and tell me NOT to do it at least once!"

So as we sat there longer and then I moved around to get at the other side of his back, he said, 'DON"T STOP!" haha...He has huge knots in his back. Stress....? you think? well, Jana is really the one in our family who has "GREAT HANDS" (sorry brother ROB...but she is untrained and still can give a great massage!) so I said , "Jana you need to come over here and give him a massage..." She was looking up at the cameras and GULPED and then we changed chairs and she started to massage his poor back....it really is just a huge KNOT! SO he got a massage and we didn't even get fined or in trouble or anything... (well NOT that WE know of anyway).

Cord said that when his AP&P man had written a letter of what he would recommend, he said that McCord had lived a very priviledged life. How did he know that? Cord said he had never met the guy before, so I guess they do their homework. Or was it because of his drug dealing that he had so much money all the time? I feel guilt already about thinking it is my fault that he is in there. Could I have been a better parent? Did I indulge him....(back rubs...lullabies..when he was 28? lol) Life lessons... no regrets....

The family at the next table were just a sweet little LDS family. McCord whispered that their son was in for molesting and that it wasn't good for him in the prison. He said when they played basketball, that everyone would elbow him and butt him and make it miserable for him. I guess they are on the low end of the pecking order. I asked Cord, "Are you a good man in here?" He said, "What do you mean?" And I said, "Well, are you mean to him?" and of course he said, "yes". Sad.

On our way out of the prison, we have to wait until the guard opens the BIG CLANGING DOOR for us...sometimes it takes 5-10 minutes? We don't know why. We are obedient though and wait patiently. I was talking to the sweet LDS family and they said they have been coming there to Gunnison for 5 years! That is a long time. I pray for all those incarcerated and also for their families. It makes you think of all the freedoms we take for granted. I think of my son every day and night. There is not a day goes by that i don't wish him out. I pray he can stay clean and get on with his life and remember the things he is learning in HOPE.

Cord missed his dinner again, because we didn't make it down to Gunnison two hours before his 4:00 head count and then dinner. He told us that he has Ramen noodles he loves! He looks like he is getting enough to eat and hopefully he is doing well in there. He didn't really talk a lot this time. He misses his kids so much. We are trying to get Steph to let him see them. I know they would all benefit from the visit.

If anyone wishes to write him, he does love letters and would appreciate just hearing about your "normal life"

Oh and BTW....anyone up for a game of Ping Pong once he gets out? He non-chalantly commented that he was getting pretty good and then with his little sly grin, he said, Well I am King of THE SLAM in here....

thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

more JOURNAL pages

JUNE 1, 2010 Tuesday

Well, it's the first of June and it's my parent's anniversary (38 years). Maybe I'll one day be married as long as them. I made it 5 years the first marriage-maybe my next wife will be 10 years. Ha.

I received my blue packet today. It has all my criminal info and what they are recommending. They call it a blue packet because it's in a blue folder and all of the pages are blue. Genius, right?

Well, the AP&P recommendation is 12 months. I have been locked up for 7 months, but it looks like they aren't giving me the 3 months that I did in County Jail.

I really think that they are going to make my parole contingent on me finishing HOPE. I was feeling good when I got my packet but upon reading it, the realization set in that I'm more than likely going to do at least 10 more months.

Today really went by quick--it was over before I knew it. I did legs today. I had my buddy and crew boss Reyes on my back and I squatted him 50 times in a row--two sets. He weighs 190#. It feels good to do legs. I do them 2 times a week.

ANyway, down to 9 days til the Board. I'm going to call my family and let them know about my blue packet on Sunday. I have feelings of anxiety and you know when you have something you don't really want to do and every time you think about it, your stomach drops? That's how I am right now--wanting to get the Board over with, but also not really looking forward to it. Does that make any sense?

I've been watching The Bachelorette and I really like the girl on there. She is cute and I like her personality. I hope I can find someone like her once I'm out and back on the streets. I'm watching Wipeout, It's Hi-larious. and also GLee. It's okay this week. It was good to have a 4 day weekend. I'm looking forward to our summer break in 2 weeks. More tomorrow...I promise...

Oh- I got locked in again but it was at night around 7. Don't they know it's inconsiderate to stab someone during Prime Time TV?

JUNE 7, 2010 MONDAY

Today we had a free day. We traded in our HOPE points so we could have a day off. I worked out and watched TV. The day went by really quick. NOw I'm watching The Bachelorette. It's funny how I've gotten a lot of people in here to watch it and it's something that we look forward to and something that we talk about when it's over. Well, I go to the Board in three days and I wrote them a letter today so I'm hoping that I don't get too much time.

June 10 2010 THURSDAY Board Day!

Well, I went to my hearing today and it was Crazy! I got down there to the holding cell and I asked if I could use the bathroom. Nope, I couldn't use one (the one guard that likes Cord said that he would be back to take him after he got out of the Board hearing). The guy in front of me went into the courtroom and came back in. He said that the hearing officer was ill and so he had to wait a few minutes. Anyway, they brought me in a sack lunch and I was so nervous I had to choke it down. Then it was time for me to go in. I had a bunch of things that I was going to say, but when I got in there I forgot everything that I was going to say. He asked what I did and I tried to answer it as honestly as possible. It was good that I had so many people there to support me. I feel that it really helped a lot.

JUNE 14, 2010

It's the 14th already. I took 5 of my 7 tests today and I scored 100% on all of them. WE went outside and did our morning physical training, running around the track and yelling cadences. Good times, right? Well, one of the other sections were doing calisthenics on the basketball court and a guy slipped and cracked his head open. The siren went off and everyone had to drop down--feet spread with our hands on top of our head. WE had about 10 guards come out and secure the area. On the guard tower there was a spotter looking at us with binoculars and another guy with a sniper rifle and he was laying down sweeping the area to make sure no one moved or did anything. It was pretty intense.

Well, the weekend went quick. I watched the Lakers lose and watched some of the Tony Awards. And also talked to my fam on the phone, sounds like everyone is doing well. I was hoping to find out how much time I'll be doing today, but the date wasn't on the computer yet. I really just want to get out and get on with my life and get this put behind me.

I got my patriarchal blessing sent in and I like to read it. It's almost as if it's another person, I mean, I know I can repent and be forgiven, but did I miss out on a big chunk of my blessing? I guess I'll just try extra hard once I get out. I know that I need someone to help me, to be my friend and push me to be better, to want to be better, someone that I can take to the temple and they will love me for me and love me with my flaws and shortcomings and weaknesses. It's not going to be easy to be with someone like me, who has so much baggage, but there is someone who will be there and not just in good times, but bad times as well. I feel good about my divorce and am excited it's almost finalized. I know that sounds bad, but it's been bad for so long and gasoline and fire together just make a bigger fire and I feel that' s how my marriage was. I feel bad for my kids, but I know that there is someone out there that will love them.

Wow...it's late...it's almost 1:00 am. I have to get up at 5:30 But it's really the one time that I have to myself and it's the only time the lights are off, even thought the day room lights and the safety lights are on, I still enjoy when the main lights are off. It's crazy to take such a small thing as a light switch for granted, but I really miss being able to control the lights and for that matter, being able to have complete darkness. It will be good to have that again once I'm out.

I have once again been rambling. I think I'm going to be racked in because of Ronnie Lee gardener's execution on Friday. So I'm going to write more later.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words

yet how do you take a picture of a soul

I forget how to breathe and your heart beats fast

I turn from the path yet you're already gone

I'm fighting and churning but you're one step away

pulling closer to death each day I'm alone

But theres another side of me people don't know

It's not like I don't want this pain but it has me

Come with me to a place far away

And I'll be forever together again

JUNE 15, 2010 TUESDAY

I had the rest of my tests today. I scored 100% again on them (Cord said that 60% of his roommates he has 48 in there with him...had to get up at 5 a.m. and re take the test as they had all failed! He says he has to dummy down in there to fit in? ha)

I went down to my case worker to see if my release date was on the computer yet. IT WAS! I'm getting released on APril 5, 2011, but I won't be on parole, I'm getting a temination, which means they terminate my sentence. They also took off my fines, which will help a lot. So, I guess I an move anywhere I want, once I'm released. Who know, maybe I'll move to New York? Anyway, I called my parents to let them know the news and it was good to talk to them.

The whole prison is going to be on lockdown. It looks like they are not going to save Mr. Ronnie Lee Gardner and they don't want the inmates to rio, so they are locking us donw.

Well, it looks like I'm going to be having a good summer break. It starts Thursday, so I;m excited.

CORD's BOARD DECISION

McCord called last night and told Mike that his counselor had heard from the "BOARD" and their decision was for Cord to stay in the HOPE program until APril 5, 2011. He won't have to be on parole after his release.

He seemed quite upbeat about their decision. He said he is writing a letter that we can put on here of his thoughts and feelings and gratitude for all who have prayed for and had faith in him.

THE WAITING GAME

Three weeks...three more long weeks...and then we shall hear from "The Board" to determine the fate of our son.

Mike, Jana, Kim (from Arizona!) Uncle Kent, Aunt DeAnn, Melissa, Maylyn, Michelle and Jacob all showed ID's at Gunnison and went through the "Clanging doors" and into the court room where McCord showed up in his "visiting WHITE" uniform. He got to give us a nod and a smile.

(the guard told him he could)

Cord sat in the hotseat (a single chair, table and microphone) before the huge "board" where the one board member introduced himself and asked McCord up front if he knew he could get five years. Cord replied, Yeah.

Ken Jones (the board member's name) then asked if McCord was aware that Cord's matrix (the matrix shows how many points he has accumulated from the type of crime he committed and also from past offenses--since his plea went from a second degree felony to a 3rd degree felony, which is a 0-5 charge, his matrix showed that he could be out with time served at the county jail in 12 months) so Mr. Jones said that McCord could be out on December 7th. A real date...who knew that he actually had a real date all this time and noone ever told him? McCord seemed to be shocked and finally replied. No, I didn't know that.

Cord seemed nervous, timid, humble? apprehensive and hopeful all at the same time.

Our hearts were bleeding for him, wanting him to be able to get out and live a normal? life once again...a second (third, fourth?) chance to redeem himself and show the world the real McCord. The one we know and love...clean and drug-free!

Ken (Mr. Jones) said that McCord had a big family support system with the people in attendance that day and also from the letters that were written to the board. He said that he hoped Cord would finish the Hope program...I could feel Cord's heart fail as he really wants to get out of the behavioral modification program he is in now. Then Mr. Jones asked, Why weren't you able to finish your probation last time? And then the million dollar question Cord was HOPING he wouldn't ask..."What was this 2002 charge? (his other felons from before when he did armed robbery for oxycontin). What DO you say to that question???

McCord's angst in waiting for almost 4 months to see the Parole Board ended after only maybe 5 minutes...that was it...Mr. Jones had asked him if he had anything else to say and Cord replied that he would really like to get out and be able to get into an after care program and be able to get back into society and that was it...it was over. McCord got up from his chair, gave us a little wave(the guard told him he could do that, too)and left through the door he had entered through. the end. gone...just like that...

We had driven to Gunnison (over an hour commute) and waited patiently (we found out today that the waiting was from the Board member having a "medical need"??? right before McCord 's turn. We don't know what that was all about?

We thought McCord would call us last night, but he didn't. Mike and I had to go to Mount Pleasant for a Scout assignment and we were so close to Gunnison we decided to surprise Cord and go in to the prison to visit and see how he was doing.

We got to the prison at 3:20 and the guards usually take the inmates in for a head count at 3:45 but since Friday's visits are only from 3-7, that doesn't happen on Fridays. Dinner is served at 4:30, so we didnt' want Cord to miss a meal, but he said he didn't like Fish Friday and that he had Ramen noodles from commissary to eat. So we stayed for the full two hour visit and asked him how he felt his hearing went.

He commented that the guard said, Wow you were fast in there AND you got the NICE board member! (besides being sick...he is nice too) Usually the inmates are in the board meetings for a long time getting grilled on their past behaviors and their attitudes they are now having about being where they are (in Cord's case, HOPE program).

He also said afterwards, the guard took him out and made him wait again, this time with the letters people had written for him, to read. He was very grateful for all who wrote. (my letter DID NOT show up in time????) He also said as he sat there, he thought, WHY didn't I say THIS??? why didn't I say THAT???

But we have faith that he said what the board needed to hear, so that has to be enough.

McCord feels optimistic about being out whenever the board member deems right for him. He would LOVE to think that he could be out for Christmas, but he said that time really does go by fast. He is having FINALS next week in the HOPE program and he will be a step 3 (there are 6 he needs to successfully reach) and he receives more freedoms with each step.

We are happy that he is happy and doing as well as can be expected. Also, McCord said that the board usually determines what his sentence will be well before the 3 weeks. He can ask his counselor to call the parole board office in Murray and expedite the sentence results....No news is good news???

SO we will update when we hear.

McCord said he received about 15 letters, which was a very wonderful thing.

THank you all for your prayers and for loving and supporting our son and us.

Special thanks to Kent, DeAnn and family for being there.

Cord's Parole Hearing on Thursday

Mike, Jana and I went to visit McCord on Saturday. He is doing good, but anxious to get past this parole hearing anxiety he is having. His matrix shows that he should get 12 months (he always thought it was 18 months), so hopefully the board will prayerfully decide what is best for him. We are optimistically hoping that he can be home by Christmas this year.

The hearing will be this Thursday at 11:00 a.m. but those coming must be there by 10:30. You must have a photo ID to get into the prison and it will be in Gunnison...address: 255 E. 300 N.

The dress is business casual.

Anyone is invited. The drive from Provo to Gunnison takes about 1 hour 20 minutes if you take the freeway to Nephi and go through Levan and then over to Gunnison that way.

Thanks for your prayers and letters.