Friday Letter

August 13, 2010

FRIDAY THE 13th...August is almost over and I only have two more weeks of track. I read off my "impact on others' on Wednesday and I put in for my Step 3, so hopefully I get it next MOnday. then I can use the weights and microwave and also lay down on my bed during the day. SInce I'm a Crew Boss, I get one Step 4 privilege, so I'm going to pick Laying on my Bed!

They showed Date Night for the movie this weekend. It was pretty good and funny. I like Tina Fey. She was very funny . Tomorrow is Clash with the Titans and Sunday is Alice in Wonderland.

Hopefully, I get a visit tomorrow. I miss my family. I have been worried about them alot lately for some reason. It's getting almost close enough for me to have to worry about getting out. I've tried to put it on the back burner and worry about it later, but just under 8 months , it's going to come fast and I'll be unprepared if I don't figure out what I'm doing to do with my future.

Well, anyway, more tomorrow...

(Cord has written 7/16/01 on his journal page...i wonder if it's a ploy to make time go more quickly? Or he really doesn't know that it is August?)

Monday The weekend went by quick. Mom and Day came to see me on Saturday and they brought Buds and Tay. Buds was worn out and fell asleep in mom's arms, then he woke up and wanted to go home. He did want lots of kisses from dad (me)...Then Sunday I watched Alice in Wonderland. I have never seen the cartoon version, so seeing it with Johnny Depp for the first time was really cool. I liked it alot.

Today we practiced our drill for a while. We have two weeks until the competition, so we still have work to do.

(ED. note: Cord didn't tell about his drill competition in his letters, but he did tell it to us last visit we were there. It is worth retelling here:)

Cord has 12 men in his "pod" area -the building is shaped like a bike wheel with the inner circle part being where the guards are. Enclosed by windows, the guards can look out and around and see all 4 Pods (like spokes) at once. SO all in all there are 48 inmates in his whole section.

Cord is over the whole drill and cadence routine with friend, Bollie. They have been working on it for a competition. Bollie actually was in the Marines, so he has "choreographed" their routine with alot of military emphasis.

Bollie is on the stairs and Cord is in the middle of the room and yells the cadence out when 12 inmates come marching in and then the other sections all come in so there are all 48 inmates marching together in different formations. Then they do a military routine like with guns, only since they don't have guns, they use their "sporks" (spoon/fork) which are orange. They retrieve them simultaneously out of their pockets and then do different maneuvers with them, It sounds funny...too bad he can't video the whole thing. They have put alot of time into this.....ALL for a whole DAY OFF! if they win it.

His cellie, Wiss, was "talking trash" about the whole routine behind Cord's back. He is about 50 and heard that his son on the outside was into drugs. Being an artist, he was able to use paper and glue and made a statue of a dragon on the edge of a precipice ..he said it was symbolic of being able to choose his life ...of drugs or no drugs...

He doesn't have any support on the outside and so doesn't get commissary or any money on his books. Cord said that Wiss actually has a splitter and will plug into his TV and watch it whenever possible. His splitter takes all Cord's sound from his tv sound so he has to turn the volume up to his highest decibel and then if Wiss unplugs his splitter from cord's tv, cord's SOUND IS LOUD INTO HIS EARS! he said it is very annoying and he has told Wiss to turn the sound down before he unplugs his splitter, but he never would.

So back to the "statue", Wiss asked Cord if he would mail it out to his son for him. He said it would only cost $2.00. Cord had agreed to do it, but once he heard that WIss was bad mouthing their cadence and drill routine, he told Wiss, Well, if you hate our routine so bad, then why haven't you come up with any better ideas for our pod? and just because you have been talking trash behind my back, now I'm not going to mail your package out".

SO Wiss got someone else to mail it for him. In the meantime, Wiss graduated from HOPE and was transferred to the visiting area to make room for new inmates coming to HOPE. Cord talked to the guy who paid to have Wiss's dragon mailed out and he said it cost $15.00 and also WIss didn't leave his mother's address so he could get reimbursed. DOUBLE BURN!! (oh the things they have time to worry about...sounds like real life still....)

Back to McCord's letter.......My celly, Wiss, left. He graduated and was waiting to go to Lone Peak, the work Camp in Draper, UT, but they needed bed space so they moved him down to the other building, by Visiting. So I got a new celly. His name is Brode and his dad is actually in here too! The dad is on my crew. He has been here for three weeks and now his son in my celly! It's weird how different people have things that are very annoying. (ED. Cord told me that the annoying thing he does is clearing his throat all the time and SNIFFING ha...I think I DO THAT! is that annoying???)

I wonder what I do that I don't realize I'm doing that is annoying. But I was thinking how weird it would be if my Dad was in here and I just can't picture it. It's just a place that isn't for the innocent. I know that some people come here that are innocent but I feel it's far and few. Usually if the cops are looking at you, you either have done things that you haven't been caught for, so it's Karma at it's best, or it's your fist time doing a crime and you got caught. What I was saying is that if my dad was in here, I don't know how it would be. I can't describe it. Just awkward I guess, I'm not sure . The doors would probably open and let him out on their own. HA!! But they hang out all day. Brode lives upstairs with me and his dad lives downstairs so when we aren't racked in, he his downstairs kickin it with him.

[Cord said when Brode first came in to Cord's cell, he wouldn't talk to Cord and someone told Cord he was INTIMIDATED by him. Remember this is a guy (cord) who has done steroids in the past and is a little massive and so a lot intimidating! SO when Brode asked if he could do a splitter on Cord's TV, Cord said, "OH SURE that would be GREAT! We'll SPLIT the price every month...so you owe half of the $11.00 a month that I have to rent the TV!" Brode just stared at him and then turned and walked out of the cell! Cord thought it was a great trick. Then he let him use his splitter that night and told him he was just kidding him. ]

August is almost over,. It's half way so that's good. I can't wait till October and September is over, I'll have 5 months and that is nothing.

We had a three hour lock down yesterday. I'm not sure what happened but we were supposed to lay on our stomachs, but I laid on my back and watched the movie. I don't know why we have to be on our stomachs. It doesn't make us any safer. (I asked Cord if the guards can see him from their post on their cameras...and he said NO...if he scoots way over onto his bunk, his filing cabinet blocks his bunk's view from the guard's station, so they can't see him...)

Then today I fell asleep after dinner and woke up at 6:00 and we were in another rack in. It's annoying because we can't use the bathroom whenever I need. Okay, I have to get up early. 5 a.m. comes quick. so more later.

7/19/10 Thursday

Today we had FOUR tribunals. A guy named Chadwick and also Mendenhall were tribuneled for a breach of the NO VIOLENCE policy. They were in the yard and were saying challenging statements to each other, so they both got put on RRG. Didn't I predict that Mendenhall would be on RRG three weeks ago? Yes, I did. Anyway, one other guy, Hodges, came from Lone Peak and I guess he brought tobacco and got caught so he got tribunaled but since he was on his 7 day grace period, he only got RRG hours on the weekend and RRG probation.

The other guy was Spencer, he was on my crew and he was a pain in my but. He looks EXACTLY like Gary Coleman only fatter and he was a know-it-all! (McCord is VERY good at impersonating some people...he has awnuld swarcheneggah down to a T!!!!....so he was telling us this story in Spencer's..whispery, raspy voice...it was very funny) Well, anyway, he called the whole section PUNKS (forbidden word) because he felt like he was being targeted and so he got put on RRG also. Chadwick didn't accept his consequences and so he went E LEVEL...so have fun with that!! (lock down 24 hours ...out every 3 days for 1 hour)

Only one more week of track and then I'll take classes or teach track. I haven't decided what I want to do yet. I really can't believe how fast this month has gone. Only 10 more days then only 7 more months once August is over....10 months down---7 more to go!! (but who's counting?)

7/20/10 FRIDAY

Slept all the way till lunch at 11:00. Went to bed around 10:30 last night so I slept a long time. Today was okay. I worked out after lunch and then after dinner went outside and played Frisbee football. It was fun. Alot of running though.

Kent, the big guy who did the doo-wop skit thing with me was playing and he was on the other team. He is like 6'5 and 275 lbs. Well, he and I both went for the frisbee and he jumped and came down on the left side of me and totally SLIMED me! It was NASTY...he is HAIRY and was very SWEATY! Then came in and watched Pre-season football. I'm looking forward to the season opener. Vikings vs. Saints and Faure is back so I'm going to enjoy this season locked up.

Tomorrow morning I'm playing on the Softball team at 8:00 so I'm going to bed now.

7/22 SUNDAY

Not much today. Church at 8 am. I'm almost glad for the experience that I am going through. It's really put my life in perspective. I know that I need to nurture my relationships especially with my kids. I realize that family is forever and it's a long time. I want to be with my family and need to better my life everyday. I've realized how CRAPPY of a relationship my ex and I had. I really want someone who loves me as much as I love them and that I truly deserve a great marriage. I have had a lot of time to think and realize that I did make alot of mistakes.

Really, this experience is what I needed to make me see I needed to change. I remember thinking when I first came to prison what it was that I needed to learn or why I had to go through this experience, really on a technicality and I've come to realize my life wasn't going how it was supposed to go and this is really like a reset for me to start over. A chance really to weigh my options and get back to what I want in my life. I have my kids and I pray I'll find someone who loves them as their own.

I'm looking forward to September because it's ONE MONTH CLOSE TO GOING HOME

7/23/10 MONDAY

I received two letters today..one from mom and one from Aunt DeAnn. I really need to be better at writing back. Mom was wondering if I'm more depressed than I am letting on. I guess I have my good days an bad days. I have little things that I look forward to everyday. But it is what it is...I'm still locked up and I'[m away from my family. It is hard tot be away from my kids. that's what hurts the most when I really sit and think about it. But I feel that for the circumstances, I'm doing okay.

Not too much going on again today. No fights, no stabbings, no rack-ins. I did skip AA and came to my bunk and took a nap, so that was fun and exciting. I really just don't like AA. A bunch of people I don't relate to, complaining about being in prison. YOU DID THE CRIME, NOW YOU'RE DOING THE TIME...DEAL WITH IT!

But only one more class and I won't have to go if I don't want to.

I've been thinking alot of what I want to do when I get out and I really enjoyed working with my DAD and would like to do that again if he will let me work for him. I want to stay close to my parents, my kids and get them whenever I can. I really want to finish my degree, that's more important to me now than it has been. I have goals that I've set and will take up alot of my free time once I'm out. I just need to get out so I can do them.

8/25/10 WEDNESDAY

Man, I've been tired the last two days. Waking up at 5:30 and going all day takes it's toll on me. I'm not sure why, if I was out I would be able to stay awake all day. Maybe it's the food that doesn't give me enough energy or something. Anyway, life is weird and then you die...

It's going to be interesting to get out. You get used to being in here, you try not to, but eventually, you stop trying NOT NOT to, then you just do time and you're okay with it. I try to keep my mind on getting out soon, but I think I've only been locked up 10 months and I still have 7 more. It's gone fast but I look back on it and it has been a long LONG TIME! I guess there is good days and bad days in here. I'm just sick of the monotony. I WANT MY CHOICES BACK!

Oh well...sending this out now....

Sunday Aug. 29, 2010

This is Debi....McCord looked great yesterday when Jana and I took the kids to Gunnison to see him. The prison provides coloring sheets like Scooby doo to color. We have to use colored pencils instead of crayons. (the inmates might smuggle the crayons in and be able to make tatoo ink) Buds thought it was the best game to throw the pencils around the blue room. Cord asked why it was called the blue room. We said, well the wall is blue...and he being very observant said, " well the whole visiting area out there is painted blue..." hmm we had never noticed that.

So we end up making paper airplanes for the kids to fly or the "bok boks" folded paper that you pick numbers and different colors and then open it to read your fortune...what are those called?

Anyway, the two hours seem to last longer when we have Landon to entertain. He told dada that he was a dry boy and he was...he has a short attention span though and as soon as Cord came into the room they ran to meet him and Buds kissed him and then came and got my hand to pull me up and said, "OK LET"S GO HOME!" ha.

TayJay (short for Taylor Jade) loves her dada and won't leave his lap the whole two hours. She sings him songs she has made up and chatters on and on...she loves Cord to tickle her and throw her around...(which Cord is leery of doing , as the guards watch all the tables on cameras)...so he gives her whisker burns and she giggles and then buds comes for some attention and then is off running again.

It is fun to watch them interact and I hope this helps his weeks go by faster. He does love LOVE his kids and misses them.

Thanks for your prayers and thoughts.

Spoke too soon....

[ed. note: I guess I spoke too soon saying that Cord isn't writing letters anymore.]

Here are some more of his journal pages we received today:

July 19, 2010 MONDAY

Monday, It went by fast. Bolli and I were the Cadence Facilitators and we have to make up the drill and cadence. It's okay, I guess. We had to sing DOO-WOP. Did I already write this?

It was on Thursday and we sang Earth Angel. I guess they wanted to get us out of our comfort zone. Well, we broke into groups of three and when it was our turn to go, Bolli got called out to the captain or whatever and so Ruther stepped in for him. I swear, I already told this story. Anyway, Kent, the big, fat guy dressed up like a girl and I was serenading him on the stairs and as Ruther was singing, I kept yelling, What? and Yeah? and OKAY, like "Little John" and we took First place. Good times.

Friday, watched How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and Bounty Hunter on Saturday and 21 on Sunday.

I have been running for Physical Training in the morning and they only give us 15 minutes to shower after and I'm always sweating still after. Today had to watch more of this Bradshaw guy (inner child). He is so annoying and they had us go to A.A. today. Bolli and I signed up to facilitate the LDS 12 steps, but for some reason they won't let HOPE go down to it till we are out of track.

A.A. is funny. It's the same wherever you go. the people glorify their drug use and tell war stories about how much fun they were having while they were out committing crimes.

This program isn't going to keep you clean, your family isn't going to keep you clean, it has to be a choice. A concise choice that you make for YOU. or else, you can keep coming back to prison until you figure out that it's not fun anymore. More tomorrow (smily face)

July 21 Wednesday

It is our last day of the week that we are up. We have the rest of the week off because of Pioneer day. We had to go out for P.T. this morning and run and the alarm went off, so we had to get on the ground. It had rained last night , so the dirt was wet and muddy. SO we went to the grass and got down on our stomachs. Well, they yelled at us because we ran an extra 10 seconds to the grass, but I had my favorite white shirt on so it was worth it. HA!

We got some new people in the HOPE community and we had some leave, because they didn't have enough time. I'm not sure who did the statistics on HOPE graduates because there is multiple people back two and three times. It's a little scary to know that I could be another stat, but I'm hoping i won't. I know it won't be because of this program, because it's a joke here. I'll write more tomorrow! Movies this weekend Ninjas Creed, Losers, X-Files and Rocket man.

I really want to see my kids. I miss them so much! I've been taking this parenting class and it makes me sad to know how bad of a dad I have been. But it's hard to know how to raise a kid, I mean really at 23, I was still a kid trying to raise a baby. It ain't all fun and games fo sho!

Me and Cameron (Bolli) had drill practice and it's looking pretty good. I guess it's true what they say. .., Those who can't do...Teach. It's a lot better not having to march around and yell stupid cadence, so now I get to tell people where to march and what to yell.

Anyway, I've been thinking of plans I would like to do when I get out and I'm thinking maybe Las Vegas as a break from Utah and try and get my life together and still be close enough to get my kids whenever I can. that is if Stephanie will let me see them.

July 22 thursday

I tried to stay up late last night but I was tired so I went to sleep early and then woke up and ate my Thursday doughnut, which was very nasty and then went back to sleep and woke up with a stomach ache. So I stayed awake and was tired all day and didn't really feel like working out but Bolli made sure we did so I did a half a leg workout then got a letter from my Aunt DeAnn and also from my mom with pics of my kids and it said that I might be able to see them soon, so that made my day!

I still can't believe how big they are getting. Then after dinner I took a nap for an hour and a half and then watched Wipeout. I remember when I watched it with Tay and it had this Black ball that swung and knocked people over. She was so scared of it and I wonder now, what was going through her head to make her so scared.'

Okay, so I'm trying to write and my celly is obsessed with the #42 and he has it tattooed on his arm and he will keep getting my attention every time that he sees it or hears it on TV. It is so dang annoying. Ha. I really just want to get out of here. 9 months is long but I guess that it could be worse, Some people have years left, like 15 years. I really can't imagine 15 years from now, I'll be 44 and Tay would be 20 and Landon would be 17. That's scary. Anyway, more tomorrow.

7-23 Friday

More of the same today. My parents and my sister came and saw me today and it was so good to see them. It's been a couple of weeks because they went to Las Vegas to my cousin's missionary farewell. Then I came back and watched the rest of Friday night Lights, Flashpoint, ...(purple pen) Now just writing, not much goin on in this bird brain of mine so here is a little rhyme before bed time..

I swear that I care but it's hard when ya stare

into the bottom of a bottle that is empty and bare

Oh, my desperate soul, in my desolate home, it's my desolate role

Ya, I'm here all alone

I can't think of a reason to get out of bed

curtains closed ..lights are off...am I alive or am I dead

I haven't shaved in a week; I slur when I speak

Tolerance definitely at it's peak

So I sit in my room and I'll cry on my bed'

Thinkin about all the things wrong in my head

I keep trying to climb but the hill is too steep

So I take another pill and it's back to sleep.

7-26 Monday

Monday, so tired today. Stayed up late because I was still on weekend schedule. Went to the library today and got a Ludlum book and Demon and Angels by Dan Brown. My stomach hurt all day. the food has been making me sick lately. I'm hoping that the Mo's wash their hands down there in da kitchen. the weekend went too fast, had a good visit with parents and Jana and then called Mom on her birthday yesterday. they told me that my kids will be able to come see me so I'm excited about that. I was going to work out today, but was too tired and fell asleep from 5-6 so hopefully I get back on schedule tomorrow.

Before I fell out, I was thinking what if this is a bad dream that I can't wake up from? What if I'm just on my couch asleep and I'll wake up in my living room and my wife and kids are asleep upstairs. What if this is one of those wierd dreams that I have when I take Xanex and I still have my "good Life" But I know it's not a dream and I'm LIVING A NIGHTMARE!

8-7-10Saturday

Whoa...it's been awhile since I've written. I was looking for the pages to send out but there was only 3. Anyway, it's been a good couple of weeks even though I really haven't felt like writing. I got to see my kids last Saturday and I was feeling a little weird. Landon really didn't care that he hadn't seen me in awhile, but Tay was really happy to see me. She kept kissing me and she was making plans for when I get out. She wants me to take her to McDonalds. HA, it was so good to seem them both!

It's sad that I hadn't seen them face to face for 9 months. In here it's easy to get into a routine and time is just time, but when you see people from off the street it makes this real. It's a lot different than even letters, I'm not sure why. But I guess that's why I haven't felt like writing. Putting it down on paper makes me feel the feelings again and it is real. I am HERE and I feel guilty and ashamed that I've missed so much time, that I've turned my whole world upside down with my actions.

Well, they made me "crew Boss" so people that make "calls" on other people report them to me. I'm over the Motivation crew so I'm in charge of running the three meetings we have each day. Usually they don't put you in Leadership till you've been in HOPE for 6 months, but I guess they can tell I have alot of skills: Computer hacking shills, Nunchuck skills, etc.

Anyway, I had to write my impact on others, It's how I think that I've impacted others and how I think they felt. I wrote 20 pages and I have to read it in front of the community next week.

Then I'll be able to get my Step 3 and use the weights and the microwave. FUN!

I did get to see my parents and Jana and Tay. My parents were camping so they stopped and Jana brought Tay down. It's fun to seem them. I hope my parents don't mind that I don't chat that much, but I'm trying to give Tay all the attention I could.

Football season starts in 6 weeks. I'm mad at myself that I'm here and can't play Fantasy Football. But there is always the 2011 season.

Oh, I have to hurry and sent this out before I get racked in ...so more later.

Visiting DaDa

Tay called Cord DADDA from the time she could talk. It was so endearing that we kept it going and Buds calls him that now too.

Mike and I took our 5th wheel down to Single Tree RV park in the Boulder mountains last week. On Saturday we hooked up and headed to Gunnison, (one hour and 40 minutes from Torrey) meeting Jana and Taylar there. Last time we took the trailer, we had to unload it at the Shake Shack downtown, as they wouldn't let us drive it through the gates of the prison. (they would have had to "search" every inch of it). When we asked if we could just unhook it on the road outside the prison, they said that would look "too suspicious" ??? SO we parked it at the park just across from the prison grounds and hopped in with Jana and drove her car through the prison gates.

We actually made lunch (turkey sandwiches, chips and H2O) in our trailer before we went in. Cord eats lunch at 11:00 a.m, so we wanted to time it so he could get dinner at 4:00 too. Our trailer wasn't level, since it was just parked at the curb and Tay kept sliding off of the bench seat. She is so funny. We are glad she wants to see Cord each week.

McCord told us last week that he had received the papers on Tuesday, saying that Tay and Buds were cleared to come in, so he was hoping that we would bring them with us on our next visit.

We were thankful that Steph let us take them. Last week, we actually started out with the whole prison in "lockdown". Actually they said it wasn't technically a "lockdown", just a "situation". But they couldn't tell me the difference.[Later, the guard told us that it was one individual who was alone in his cell....incidenting...] All we knew was that we had a narrow window before Buds had to take his nap and that window was definitely narrowing.

We finally got to go in after about 1/2 hour wait. Tay was anticipating the DOOR CRASHING as her mom had prepared her....after hearing it open and shut, she told us that it wasn't scary at all.

We were assigned table #6 and went into the enclosed, muggy blue room and waited for Cord to come out. He has to walk a long ways from where his housing unit is, so we usually have to wait about 10 minutes.

When you bring kids in, you are assigned to a windowed "blue" room (one wall is painted blue), i guess so they won't bother the other inmates' visits. I took the kids over to where Cord has to be scanned with a security wand before he can come in to our side of the visiting room, in the main visiting room. I could see a shiny glint in his eyes....Tears??? HE REALLY DOES LOVE THOSE KIDS!!!! AND HE WAS FRIED! LoBSTer RED...from being out in the yard for 2+ hours...he didn't buy sunscreen from commissary..said it was a waste of money?

Taylar was being shy and Cord took Buds and hugged him. Since Cord shows such little emotion, I was feeling disappointment at his reaction.......I wanted him to cry and scream and hug them...after all, he hasn't seen them for 8 months! Tay grabbed around his legs and then Cord picked her up too and he carried them both back to the "blue room" where Tay sat on his lap for the next two hours.

Buds had had to lock his sippy cup into a locker (they wouldn't allow liquids in, but allowed his blanket in), so he kept going to the door and telling us (using our locker key) "I need to unlock this door...I'll be right back. I need my sippy". He is a BIG BIG two year old. There was another little boy in there and Buds was at least a head taller and when I asked the mother how old he was, she said he was 3 1/2. Buds could have taken him easy....

The time went by quickly. Buds finally gave up and fell asleep on his blanket on the floor. A guard came in and told us to pick him up...he might get stepped on. SO Cord held him the rest of the time. He got a work out since Buds weighs 47 #! (that was back in May) But what a sweet lovable 47 #

Cord says he stays busy with his new schedule and goes to bed early and gets up early. I don't know where his letters are...Oh, wait...he isn't writing any....so much for "His Blog" ha

This time, when Tay saw Cord come out, she ran over to him and he threw her up and hugged and kissed her....Cord talked to Tay the whole time and just couldn't seem to get enough of her. It is a sad thing to see all those inmates in our "blue" room with their little families. Choices oh yes AND accountibility.

Cord said that the HOPE program has only had 10 successes where the graduates of the program have NEVER come back to prison!!!...ONLY 10???? I made Cord pinky promise that he would be the 11th success story!!! oh the POWER OF THE PINKY

When it was time to go it was sad. Tay said loudly, " I LOVE YOU DADA!!!! (MOre hugs and kisses)....See YOU SATURDAY!" and then they waved to each other until Cord had to get "stripped searched" in the other room and we couldn't see him anymore. (the guard motions for Cord when it is his time to leave and then he snaps on his black plastic gloves...we asked Cord what does "strip search" mean???? and why the black gloves??? He said that he guesses they don't want to touch the inmate's clothing? Because they don't check every orifice of their bodies...which I was envisioning....so that is a relief to a mother anyway, if not for the inmate. ha)

Another Saturday down. only 8 months to go.