95 DAYS LEFT

This is the sign that greets us when we go to visit McCord at the prison.
TayJay on her way to see Daddy
cousins
Tay's pretty dress to go to church on Sunday

The countdown is on for Cord's release in April. He is asking where his old clothes, shoes, coat, etc. are for when he gets to join the human race again! Mike, Jana, Tay and I all drove through fog and cold to see him last Saturday. He really looks good. He said he received many Christmas cards and letters. He ordered different kinds of cookies and candy bars from commissary for his Christmas presents. Oh to be pleased by so little. It is the THOUGHT of our Savior's birth that matters.

Tay usually runs pell mell through all the tables when she sees Cord coming and yells' Daddy!"

It is heart wrenching. This time we had to sit out in the General area instead of inside the glassed room where all the kids go, because they were so busy and didn't have enough room for us in there. So we told Tay to hide behind the one wall and 'then when daddy comes in, he will look at us sitting at our table and not see her, then she can jump out and scare him when he walks by.'

The plan was going as scheduled and we told her that daddy was coming out, so when he walked by her...she started to jump at him and stopped in the middle of her leap.....WHAT IS ON DADDY's FACE???? Cord has been growing a beard....a very very BLACK beard!!! and tay did NOT recognize Cord at all. She held back when he went to pick her up and she acted scared of him until he brought her over to our table. She said WHY do you have THAT on your face? and How did it get on there???" She kept asking if he put mascara on his face. ha. She was scared of him for quite a while. She kept saying, Just shave it off. I hate it! So we'll see if he takes her advice or not.

She talked to Cord the whole time and loves to visit him...through the whole 2 hour visit. It is getting close to his release and we pray things will go well for his readjustment period, where to live, where to work, etc. We pray he will be able to stay clean and be a wonderful daddy to both of his beautiful children.

I can't believe it is the end of the year.....what WILL 2011 bring???

so far, our daughter, Kim's little girl will be born in March, Cord gets out of prison in April and Kyle gets to come home from Afghanastan to his little family in Tennessee! Hoorah!

Merry Christmas

11/6 /2010 Saturday

October came and went...Now it's November and it seems that time is picking up. Prison life, I guess, you get used to. You have things that make it bearable, but when push comes to shove, really, you're still locked up.

Today seemed a little long, but maybe it's because my parents visited last night instead of today. I haven't seen my kids for almost a month and I miss them like crazy.

11/15/2010 Monday

Okay, so I have been getting side tracked in writing. Jana came and visited me on Saturday and she brought Tay with her. She is getting so big. She knows what day I'm getting out (April 6) and she is excited. She said she didn't want to come last week because the drive is too far. I told her to come next week, because I miss her too much.

I've been reading in 3rd Nephi (Book of Mormon) about when Jesus was crucified and the whole earth was changed and there was the mist that covered the land. I've read it alot but for some reason the description was much more vivid today. I was trying to imagine how that would have been. The whole area was changed and all the believers were saying "If only we had repented when we had the chance."

I watch on the news all the catastrophies going on around the world and it's almost like when there were so so many miracles and marvels that everyone got used to them before Christ was born. SO I'm wondering how much more wicked this earth can get before it's destroyed. We must literally be in the Last Days and we can see the signs of the times. I hope that I'm not one of the ones who says, "If only I had repented when I had the chance!"

Life is too short and there are so many things in life that are significant yet most of us get caught up in the daily grind and lose sight of what's important. So that's what I'm working on. Don't lose sight of the BIG PICTURE. FOcus on what is in front of me...let go of the hostilities and judgements I hold towards others and LIVE LIFE TO IT"S FULLEST!

11/23/2010Tuesday

November twenty third. The middle of the month I caught myself counting days and time felt like it was standing still, but now it's almost Thanksgiving and I'm pretty excited about that. It's been one year that I've been locked up and it doesn't seem like it's been that long. I think back to when I was in county jail and going to court, I didn't realize how much stress I was under. then getting sentenced to prison and that was almost like a dream or NIGHTMARE, I guess you could say. Then going to Draper (Point of the mountain prison) and being in R&O (receiving and orientation)....ugh. That place should be torn down. The living conditions are horrible. Honestly, I'm not sure how I made it through that. It was only seven weeks, but it was the longest time I have EVER done. Then coming to CUCF (central Utah correctional facility) and going to Gen Pop (general population) was an experience i will NEVER forget. AND then I was dragged to the HOPE program, kicking and screaming. But I went to the board, made it through the intensive portion of the program and now here I am seven months into it with just over 4 more months to go! I guess the point is, No matter where you end up, you get comfortable and you end up just doing your time.

12/5/2010

Sunday I've been reading a book by Robert Green called the 50th Law. It's based on 50 cents and how the author became of the the most successful business men despite the fact he was in and out of jail and was a crack dealer in Southside Queens in NYC. In one part, he talks about Impossible Dynamics and Negative situations or People/relationships.

To these people, everything you do is wrong. They act as victims needing rescued. They sir up a lot of drama around them and no matter what you do, the need to be rescued keeps recurring. IN truth the only viable solution is to terminate the relationship...no arguing, no bargaining, no compromising. Leave the person who is tormenting you with as much finality as possible. Resist the temptation to feel guilt. You need to create as much distance as possible between you and the offender so they cannot enveigle these emotions into you. They must become dead to you so you can move on with your life.

Anyway, i liked that. It can be used in so many contexts, ie. relationships/ people, drugs, etc.

Well the last couple of weeks have really flown by. Thanksgiving came and went and it's nice to be in December. Last week, Cameron and I were able to go and use the music room. He is trying to set up a music class here in our building, so we don't have to walk to the other building

. We were able to use the piano which he plays very well and he also had a friend in security bring a guitar to our building. We had the room for two hours and just jammed out. It was fun. It was such an escape from the prison life for just a few hours.

I'm still the RRG crew boss, but I don't have anyone on RRG right now. The last guy was taken to "E" level because he was such a knuckle head and received 15 pull ups in one week! So i get to kick back a little more (and not have to wake up early on weekends and babysit anyone while they do their jobs for 3 hour blocks)

I've received letters from my Aunt DeAnn and my mom's cousin, Bruce Jr. It's good to hear from people on the outside and how they're doing. I also received a letter from my cousin, Amber. I really appreciate people writing to me and need to write back or hopefully they are reading this letter if my mom puts it on the blog.

12/7/2010 Friday

I really need to get back into the habit of writing. Last night I had my class, Thinking for a Change" and Wednesday is my last day. It's crazy that One year ago, I was locked up. It still doesn't seem real. I was coming back from my visit on Saturday, Mom and Jana came down to see me and it's about 1/4 mile from building to building and I walk on a 6' wide sidewalk. I was looking up at the guard tower I was passing and in the darkness, the security lights blazed down at me and the tall chain link fence with billows of razor wire surrounded me on every side. I was thinking how weird it was that I was actually here. It was other worldly and didn't seem real that I am really here. It's nice to have things that make time at least bearable in here.

I'm under 120 days!! til I get out! I'm getting nervous and anxious. I need to figure a lot of stuff out before then. Work, school, bills, child support, credit cards, getting my driver's license back, getting a car, a place to live...a new life. It really starts to overwhelm me when I think about it. What IF it gets too much for me? What IF I end up making more poor life choices? I guess I have alot to do, but it's better than having people make all the choices for me. WHEN I eat...WHAT I eat...Where I eat...WHAT I wear...etc....etc...

WEll, it is the Christmas season and It's the hardest holiday to be locked up for, but I'm on the downhill side once it's over...only 99 days to go after Christmas. So I am VERY thankful for that.

Merry Christmas