HEY EVERYONE

5-25-2010

WEll, I haven't written in a while. I could use the excuse that I'm so busy, but really, I'm still in prison and have a lot of down time at night. I like being in the dorms better than the cells, it's more like a big room instead of a tiny cell. Other than I don't have control of the lights. They come on at 5:30 a.m. and don't go off until 10:00 p.m. Usually I stay up after 10:00 because everyone else goes to sleep and I'm one of the few awake and it gives me quiet time. ALso, we have quiet time from 9:00 p.m. to 5:30 a.m. and on weekends from 9:00 p.m. to 10:30 a.m. so we can't talk above a whisper. But what I was saying is I can get my journal and homework done after 10:00 without people talking to me and interrupting.

I can't believe how much homework they give us, but it's stuff I know so it makes it easy. We have a mid-term test coming up probably on Thursday so we'll see how I do. It's really a blessing in disguise that I'm in HOPE because the days go by so fast.

I feel like I'm repeating myself, but really the only thing on my mind is seeing the Board. I know it's a far drive, but I guess they take a roll of who is there to support me, so if anyone can and wants to come, I would appreciate it. You don't even have to be on my visiting list.

Have you heard anything on my kids being able to come in? I REALLY would like to see them!

It's weird thinking about getting out and how I need to change my thinking and make better choices so that once I'm out, I stay out. I guess one guy that came in here two days ago just got out 2 months ago. So that means he was only out less than a month and then came back to R&O for a month. I'm NOT going to come back! There is no way that I could go through this again. It's changed me..hopefully for the best, but it's an experience you can't forget.

I look for the little things to get me through each day and I've come to appreciate the little things in life that most of us take for granted.

It's good to see you guys and to talk to you on the phone. A lot of people don't have any support or family helping them and you can really see them struggle. So thank you for all your love, support and prayers that you all have shown me. I know that I've made mistakes but I can learn from them and be better for it.

I hope you all are doing well and that you all know that I love you!

Love always,
Cord




JOURNAL 5/16/2010 Sunday

I had a visit from my dad and sister yesterday. Time is going by so quickly. I've been in HOPE almost a month and have been locked up for 6 months. Almost time to go see the board. About three weeks --it will be interesting to see what happens.

Watched 2010 and 16 Blocks this weekend. I've been through the 5 weeks menu almost 2 times now in prison.

Another stabbing today. Was locked down for almost 2 hours, on my bunk with my legs crossed face towards the wall...so annoying.

Drifting in and out of misery
Knowing this life isn't turning out how I want it to be
These days and nights in this penitentiary
Falling further from where I want to be
Cuz everything happens for a reasoning
Listening to my heart and find its still beating
for one more night just stay with me
I can't be alone with just a memory
We all stand and we all fall
feel like my heads been hit against a wall
I will stumble hold you down
But stay with me I'll turn around
Sometimes I feel so alone
I just don't know
feels like I've been down this road before
Six months and still no word
You lie and say its all for the good
But it's not, see I know
It's an act all part of your show
But i won't be your interlude
I won't be the drug to change your mood
You had me once but now I'm gone
without you is where I belong...


5/22/2010 Saturday

I can't believe it's been a week since I have written. It's like time is on fast forward. This last week I've had more homework from my classes that it's hard to find time to do anything else. I'm backed up on my journal and also my letter writing. I've had alot of reflection time through doing my assignments. I've had to ask myself, why can I do so good in drug programs but once I'm out, it's like the real life pressure are too much for me. I need to figure out a way or a reason this is.

I'm getting nervous because it's only 3 weeks till I see the Board. I'm planning for the worst but hoping for the best. I'm thinking they will make my parole contingent on completing the HOPE program. But if I figure on doing 30 months if I get less than that, it will be a bonus. It's still stressing me out thinking about it, though.

We were locked down again this last week. I guess in another section a guy got stabbed 18 times, so they locked the whole facility down. It can still be pretty scary in here. There are some guys that oyu just look at and you can tell that they just don't care anymore and that their demeanor has changed.

A lot of people, well, probably 10 in my section, are in for murder. I wonder why they would put them in a behavior modification program if the won't be getting out anytime soon? Well, it's stand up head count, so I'll write later.


5/25/2010 TUESDAY

Today, I was woke up at 5:15 a.m. to go take a UA. I had to wait outside the sergeant's office for an hour before he showed up. WE have been racked in 4 times in the last 3 days due to shankings (stabbings). It gives me time to lay on my bed during the day. The HOPE program isn't too bad, I'm getting used to the rules and I'm getting along with most everyone here. I didn't have to go to Draper to go the DCFS thing, which is a good thing, so hopefully, everything went okay. Still no word on my kids and if they will be able to come in and see me, maybe they will come in on my board hearing???

ONly two weeks to go. Hope for the best, expect the best- or worst. It's funny how everyone "knows" what's going to happen and when I'm going to get out.

I got to talk to my mom on Sunday. She just got back from Tennessee. Kyle just got deployed and is somewhere in the middle East.

There is so much that goes on each day. It's like a soap opera with how many guys there are in here and how many of them don't for the most part get along. I received my second step today! and also i won "HOPESTER" of the week, once again I'm the REHAB ALL-STAR. I think it's mostly likeability. I try to be cool to most everyone and I guess that has to be worth something. ANyway, most of the people in my pod are cool and mostly like me, kick back and for the most part are descent.

For the most part, I stay pretty positive with a good attitude. It's easy to try and get a bad attitude and try and give myself a pity party and say Look how bad I have it, but I know that it could be alot worse. I know right from wrong and what it's going to take to stay out of here. I'm anxious to get out and I know that it could be a long time before I do get out, but I like to make plans for when I do get out. It gives me something to look forward to. I see things that make me think of being out ...like the iPhone and it's reminders that I can stay out once I'm out. I'm scared that it could be a long road,but I know that I can do it.
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Anyway, it's getting late, so I'm going to bed

New letter May 5th

May 5th

Cinco de mayo - Well we had a party today for all the Pisces in here, we had a pinata and a bean dip salad and had some dos equis brought in on ice. But really where did April go? And now May is 1/3 done. Only about 30 days till I go see the board and I'm scared/excited, its stressful not knowing how long you have to do in this crap hole. I've had a lot of people say that Draper is better than Gunnison because this is where they put all the gang members and the violent offenders, and Draper has the sex offender program so up there I would be just surrounded by Mo's. Well the other day we were out in the day room and two guys started to get into it and one guy got hit in the face and got knocked out and when he hit the concrete his head split open and the cops came in and had us rack in, and since we don't have doors and the pod is open we have to lay on our bunks face down with our legs crossed and we have to face the wall. Well they had to bring a stretcher in and the guy got life flighted to Salt Lake, I guess he got messed up pretty bad.

Well I have to wake up at 5:30 Mon-Thurs and we cant sit on our bed til 4 pm when all our classes are done. I have 7 classes a day - Relapse Prevention, Relapse Cycle, Interpersonal Skills, Thinking Errors, Conflict Resolution, Anger Management and Stress Management. Its mostly stuff I have already learned but its good review I guess. We all have jobs that we have to do and we have to do them before breakfast, after lunch, at 2:40, after dinner and at 7 pm.And if you are late you get a pull up and have to do community service hours. That's where you have to sign up and clean with a toothbrush or clean out the in the concrete. Its a pretty intense program. Well its 10:30 and I'm going to sleep.

May 6th

Well today was fun. More of the same, just trying to learn the rules of the program and make calls on people who are breaking the rules, its still foreign to me but I guess Ill keep working on it. I talked to my mom today and she is leaving tomorrow to go see Ash before Kyle gets deployed to the war. You think your going through tough times but you don't know how easy you have it until you take a look outside yourself and see experiences through someone else's eyes. I couldn't imagine leaving my family to go fight a war where you don't know the odds of getting hurt or on the other end having to be the wife who has to worry everyday if your husband is okay or losing your job and not knowing when you will find another job. Life is hard and then we die. I don't know if I was asked to trade places with anyone else if I would. My choices brought me to where I'm at and I'm paying the consequences. My marriage is over and I don't get to see my kids but I m okay with that. I know that I will get to see my kids again and that they will forgive for missing so much of their lives. I also know that there is a woman out there who will love me for all my flaws and also for all my strengths. I will be able to be happy. Marriage is hard but it is worth it. Unfortunately, I married one who loves drama, I hate drama and hearing about it. I think its time that we realize that we aren't good for each other and need to move on. I just hope she doesn't want to turn it into a nasty divorce, there are a lot of things that she can get into trouble for and I wouldn't hesitate to turn her in. HA, is this to vindictive? I think not. Everyone makes mistakes, some are bigger than others but its not for me to judge. Its like when the people brought the lady before Jesus and said she committed adultery and Jesus said "He who is without sin cast the first stone" and everyone left. Jesus told her to go and sin no more. That is why the atonement is so important because we all have sins and we need the atonement to make it back to live with God.

Time has come and time has gone but in it are all the memories that make up who we are, feelings of success, regret, joy, sadness, madness, that is family and friends. Night is back and the world sleeps, but in dreams we escape. Dreams are our only escape, Dreams we become who we otherwise would never be. You can feel love in dreams but not in life. You can experience pain or pleasure, and its only through your dreams we strive to do better. Dreams of doors without locks, windows without bars, real mattresses, real pillows, kids who aren't fatherless. Together we all reach for the same goals of being better. We should all have dreams of being better.

May 7th

Well its Friday and we don't have class today. I just found out that I'm a day behind. I thought it was the 6th but its the 7th. I went to bed at 10:30 and woke up at 6:30 at breakfast and went back to sleep till 11:00. I guess my body wanted a lot of sleep. The classes throughout the week are pretty intense and then having to worry about if your doing a wrong behavior for letting the door slam, not wiping the table after you eat, for being late to you job or for not calling people on their behaviors. It gets a little stressful. Well I decided to keep writing in my own journal and

send them out so no one can read them in here. Some stuff I don't really want a bunch of convicts reading. So Ill do my 1 1/2 pages a week in my journal and the rest I'm sending out. I have to do another autobiography and its due in 2 weeks. Ive already memorized the "Hope Song" and the 25 core values - Honesty, Integrity, Compassion, Hope, and Respect. Those are the first 5. They are playing 3 movies this weekend "Mall Cop", "Tooth fairy" and "Nine". So at least Ill have something to do for a minute. Its almost better when I have class to go to, I like being productive and not just sitting around.

The Jazz lost again they are down 2-0 to the Lakers. They play again tomorrow and Ill be able to watch it. It truly is the little things in life in here that I find joy in and watching the Jazz is one of them. American Idol is boring and Dancing with the Stars is trash. House is about the only thing I look forward to. Rambling so more later

May 8th

The Jazz lost again tonight. It was a close game but at the end they fell apart. It gives me a pit in my stomach when my sports teams lose. Its like when you break up with your girlfriend and you have that feeling. I guess I need to have better teams. Well, the program is going okay. I'm adapting to it okay and time is flying by. Tuesday Ill have been here for 3 weeks. It will be nice to know when my release date will be and so Ill be closer to being out of the unknown. I have a ton of homework that I have to do and its mostly busy work. I guess some of it will be beneficial but for the most part they give it to give us something to do. I went out to the yard yesterday and worked out on the jungle gym. It was a 2 hour yard and I got really sunburned. But it was good to get outside. One more day down and I'm off to bed.

Cord needs your help

Cord's meeting with the board of paroles is coming up on June 10th.

He could use letters from all his loved ones, as this can influence the length of his sentence.

Simply write how you are related and what kind of person you know cord to be.

Board of Pardons and Parole
448 E Winchester St
Suite 300
Murray 84107

This need to be submitted by June 1st.

Thank you for your support and your prayers. I know he can use them at this time.