New letter May 5th

May 5th

Cinco de mayo - Well we had a party today for all the Pisces in here, we had a pinata and a bean dip salad and had some dos equis brought in on ice. But really where did April go? And now May is 1/3 done. Only about 30 days till I go see the board and I'm scared/excited, its stressful not knowing how long you have to do in this crap hole. I've had a lot of people say that Draper is better than Gunnison because this is where they put all the gang members and the violent offenders, and Draper has the sex offender program so up there I would be just surrounded by Mo's. Well the other day we were out in the day room and two guys started to get into it and one guy got hit in the face and got knocked out and when he hit the concrete his head split open and the cops came in and had us rack in, and since we don't have doors and the pod is open we have to lay on our bunks face down with our legs crossed and we have to face the wall. Well they had to bring a stretcher in and the guy got life flighted to Salt Lake, I guess he got messed up pretty bad.

Well I have to wake up at 5:30 Mon-Thurs and we cant sit on our bed til 4 pm when all our classes are done. I have 7 classes a day - Relapse Prevention, Relapse Cycle, Interpersonal Skills, Thinking Errors, Conflict Resolution, Anger Management and Stress Management. Its mostly stuff I have already learned but its good review I guess. We all have jobs that we have to do and we have to do them before breakfast, after lunch, at 2:40, after dinner and at 7 pm.And if you are late you get a pull up and have to do community service hours. That's where you have to sign up and clean with a toothbrush or clean out the in the concrete. Its a pretty intense program. Well its 10:30 and I'm going to sleep.

May 6th

Well today was fun. More of the same, just trying to learn the rules of the program and make calls on people who are breaking the rules, its still foreign to me but I guess Ill keep working on it. I talked to my mom today and she is leaving tomorrow to go see Ash before Kyle gets deployed to the war. You think your going through tough times but you don't know how easy you have it until you take a look outside yourself and see experiences through someone else's eyes. I couldn't imagine leaving my family to go fight a war where you don't know the odds of getting hurt or on the other end having to be the wife who has to worry everyday if your husband is okay or losing your job and not knowing when you will find another job. Life is hard and then we die. I don't know if I was asked to trade places with anyone else if I would. My choices brought me to where I'm at and I'm paying the consequences. My marriage is over and I don't get to see my kids but I m okay with that. I know that I will get to see my kids again and that they will forgive for missing so much of their lives. I also know that there is a woman out there who will love me for all my flaws and also for all my strengths. I will be able to be happy. Marriage is hard but it is worth it. Unfortunately, I married one who loves drama, I hate drama and hearing about it. I think its time that we realize that we aren't good for each other and need to move on. I just hope she doesn't want to turn it into a nasty divorce, there are a lot of things that she can get into trouble for and I wouldn't hesitate to turn her in. HA, is this to vindictive? I think not. Everyone makes mistakes, some are bigger than others but its not for me to judge. Its like when the people brought the lady before Jesus and said she committed adultery and Jesus said "He who is without sin cast the first stone" and everyone left. Jesus told her to go and sin no more. That is why the atonement is so important because we all have sins and we need the atonement to make it back to live with God.

Time has come and time has gone but in it are all the memories that make up who we are, feelings of success, regret, joy, sadness, madness, that is family and friends. Night is back and the world sleeps, but in dreams we escape. Dreams are our only escape, Dreams we become who we otherwise would never be. You can feel love in dreams but not in life. You can experience pain or pleasure, and its only through your dreams we strive to do better. Dreams of doors without locks, windows without bars, real mattresses, real pillows, kids who aren't fatherless. Together we all reach for the same goals of being better. We should all have dreams of being better.

May 7th

Well its Friday and we don't have class today. I just found out that I'm a day behind. I thought it was the 6th but its the 7th. I went to bed at 10:30 and woke up at 6:30 at breakfast and went back to sleep till 11:00. I guess my body wanted a lot of sleep. The classes throughout the week are pretty intense and then having to worry about if your doing a wrong behavior for letting the door slam, not wiping the table after you eat, for being late to you job or for not calling people on their behaviors. It gets a little stressful. Well I decided to keep writing in my own journal and

send them out so no one can read them in here. Some stuff I don't really want a bunch of convicts reading. So Ill do my 1 1/2 pages a week in my journal and the rest I'm sending out. I have to do another autobiography and its due in 2 weeks. Ive already memorized the "Hope Song" and the 25 core values - Honesty, Integrity, Compassion, Hope, and Respect. Those are the first 5. They are playing 3 movies this weekend "Mall Cop", "Tooth fairy" and "Nine". So at least Ill have something to do for a minute. Its almost better when I have class to go to, I like being productive and not just sitting around.

The Jazz lost again they are down 2-0 to the Lakers. They play again tomorrow and Ill be able to watch it. It truly is the little things in life in here that I find joy in and watching the Jazz is one of them. American Idol is boring and Dancing with the Stars is trash. House is about the only thing I look forward to. Rambling so more later

May 8th

The Jazz lost again tonight. It was a close game but at the end they fell apart. It gives me a pit in my stomach when my sports teams lose. Its like when you break up with your girlfriend and you have that feeling. I guess I need to have better teams. Well, the program is going okay. I'm adapting to it okay and time is flying by. Tuesday Ill have been here for 3 weeks. It will be nice to know when my release date will be and so Ill be closer to being out of the unknown. I have a ton of homework that I have to do and its mostly busy work. I guess some of it will be beneficial but for the most part they give it to give us something to do. I went out to the yard yesterday and worked out on the jungle gym. It was a 2 hour yard and I got really sunburned. But it was good to get outside. One more day down and I'm off to bed.