Newsies from Cord

June ? 12th? 2010

We have been locked down for the past 24 hours for the execution of Ronnie Gardner. I've been wondering what would be going through my head if I knew that I was only hours from being executed. I used to be all for the death penalty, but watching everything that he was going through, and it's really an escape from prison, I think that being in prison for life in solitary confinement is a bigger punishment or never let them see the light of day again. I guess that's why they don't let me make the laws.

I stayed up late last night to watch the live coverage of the execution and it really was a disappointment. There was Mark Shurtleff talking for five minutes and that was it. So anti-climatic. I guess Ronnie has had an extensive violent history while in prison and that was a determining factor in the Board's decision not to stay his execution.

I was watching people who are human rights activists and they were saying murder is murder and that we shouldn't kill people for killing other people. But they never brought up killing people in war. Isn't it because of war that they have the opportunity to express their feelings and to speak out?

If it wasn't for our freedoms we wouldn't be able to express what our feelings are. I personally feel that circumstances are different for everyone and yes, the appeals process does take too long and costs the tax payers money. But regardless if they are seeing over a murder appeal or not, they are still going to be at the court on some case. I do feel that they need to expedite the process.

Anyway, I started to watch "No greater Love" a movie they are showing but it was so stupid I turned it off. It really is boring when I'm stuck in my little cubical. I really would rather be staying busy writing my assignments, but I'm done with that track, so time seems a little bit slower. Or maybe it's just because I'm locked down, I'm not sure.

Well, 10 months is still a long time, I was kind of expecting it, but I was really hoping that I would be out for Christmas and Tay and Landon's B-days but what's another 120 days??? Ha. Actually, it's quite a long time. When you take it a week at a time, it's okay but I think it's still another 40 weeks and it seems long.

NOTE TO SELF: DON't GO TO PRISON!!!

JUNE 22, 2010 Tuesday

Ya, it's been a minute since I've written. This last week we have been locked down a lot.

Yesterday, there was fight in our section that was crazy. We were in the yard and I guess, there was some bad blood between two guys and they started to fight. One of the guys didn't want to fight but the other guy kept hitting him and the one who didn't want to fight, fell to the ground. The aggressive guy stomped on the other guy and when he would try to crawl away , the mean one would kick him in the ribs and when he would stand up the mean dude would smash his face till the other poor guy fell down and then the other guy would stomp on his face. This fight went on for about 15 minutes!

The alarm was going off and the lady cop was yelling over the speaker to STOP but the guards were afraid to come out into the yard, so finally the mean guy that was winning knelt down and put his hands on his head. The cops came in with bean bag guns and blasted him and then cuffed him.

They brought a gurney out and put the other guy on the stretcher. He was out, with his arms limp and just hanging down by his sides.

They made us come in and rack in. They canceled everything for the day.

I was kind of bored tonight. I watched Wipeout, which is pretty funny, but then there wasn't anything else on. So I worked out for 2 hours and then took a shower....eventful...I know...

I'm looking forward to getting a job. They pay a whole .40 an hour! But at least I'll be productive.

I try not to think about how long I have because in reality it's not that long considering some people are doing LIFE and some are doing 5 years on a 0-5. But still, I can't believe I'm in PRISON! It really does change your thinking. I feel that I have the stigma of a CONVICT. I hate to say it, but I know people look at you differently if you have been to prison. I just need to put it behind me and like I've said before, Just let it be something I"VE DONE...Not SOMETHING THAT I AM.

I wonder if I have ADD? Because it is hard to focus...no wait...I'm just tired.

Let's see...Some thoughts real quick, So you Think you can Dance, rookie Blue, Friday night Lights, Flashpoint that's pretty much what I have to look forward to...that and visits...

STILL WANT TO SEE MY KIDS!!

AND where are the divorce PAPERS???

"Don't let 2 minutes of courage mess up that pretty face for the rest of your pathetic life"

That's my catch phrase in here and it seems to be working LMBO TTYL LOL

JUNE 23, 2010 Wednesday

OKAY...I'm back on track writing...I stayed up late last night, till 2:00 a.m. I like being the only one awake . It's kin of like being at the Mall when it's closed and it almost feels like you shouldn't be there. It's like that except I can't leave if I want....

Well, I feel like the prison is running out of money. the food keeps getting worse and I'm trying to eat healthier. I ran four miles today and did 300 pull-ups and came inside and fell asleep til 7:00 pm. So looks like I'll be up late again tonite.

Pretty uneventful today, played PingPong for a couple hours, then watched So You Think You Can Dance after my nap, but I was kind of bored, but after I watched a special Jimmy Kimmel about Twilight that was okay It looks like the new one will be good.

The cops in here are such D.bags. They have to walk through every hour at night to make sure everyone is here and haven't escaped and THIS crew when they go section to section let the door SLAM and it wakes me up every time! The last time the guard came through I said, "Hey, will you NOT slam the Door?" He said the blowers make it slam shut. I told him that it's only his crew that does that and just barely he walked through and he closed it quiet. HA

I'm starting to write down people's funny stories and I'm going to put a book together and get it published and go on Oprah and she is going to get me to be a best seller and I can help people stay out of their addictions. Sounds like a 5 year plan?

I saw on the news that Chris Klein is in Circ Lodge for drug addiction and most people in here are in for drugs. It's a real problem and I feel that I could really profit on this. I need to find a way to have the State release people early IF they will check them into MY facility (that I build when I get out) and then have the State pay the 80 dollars a day they WOULD have had to pay to house the inmate in prison to pay for the Rehab. (My pocket)

This way it will be making a difference because prison is NOT corrections, it's really just a place where you learn to be a better criminal if you feel so inclined to learn that and it's a TOTAL waste of time for sure! So Why NOT help people and put a little coin in my pocket at the same time?

Whoa...it's already 1:00 and me no tired. I got a letter from mom and it had pics of Tay and Landon. I can't believe how big they are getting. It really makes me sad that I'm missing so much of their lives.

I'm trying to stay positive. I really am, but it's hard. I always have to have my hard ass front on. I can joke with a few people but for the most part it's hard to be myself. I just want to get out where I can be with people who get my jokes and who knows what I'm talking about and who come from the same background and have the same values and goals as me and who have my back. Most people I'm cool with in here, but it's fake on my part. I tried to care about people in here, but it's hard to. I don't know if they have my back.

I'm sick of this place and maybe I'm just having a bad night or maybe it's because I miss my kids, but I'm OVER prison. I just want to get on with my life and I want to do what's right, to find the girl that I'm supposed to spend my life with. So if you're out there, BE PATIENT because it won't be long now. I'm preparing, so I hope that you are too.

June 28, 2010 MONDAY

Today was a better day. It's summer break and they are showing movies. They played Fast and Furious and they play it on a loop, so I watched it this morning and then after I worked out and again just barely at 10:00. Not a bad movie, if you can stand Paul Walker's bad acting. HA!

I got commissary tonight and got my envelopes. I haven't sent anything out because I haven't had stamps. I have been thinking alot about what I'm going to do when I get out and I really just want to get out now and start doing everything!

But maybe that's what I'm supposed to learn is Patience. I'm so used to instant gratification as most of us are. But 40 weeks is 40 weeks. No matter how you look at it.

I keep having crazy dreams that I'm out. Last night I dreamed I was out and had a gun and I was getting pulled over and it was in my waist band and I said to myself, "Nope, not going back to prison," so I decided I was going to run from them. It freaked me out and I woke myself up.

Then I had a dream I was at my old house and was talking to someone about prison and I thought I was out and then woke up for breakfast, then I went back to sleep and I was dreaming that I was telling a whole bunch of people about the two dreams I just had. It was crazy. I tried to explain it to people in here but dreams are hard to explain and really you have to be there...sort of thing.

Almost July. then only 9 months. I guess it's going pretty fast.