Spoke too soon....

[ed. note: I guess I spoke too soon saying that Cord isn't writing letters anymore.]

Here are some more of his journal pages we received today:

July 19, 2010 MONDAY

Monday, It went by fast. Bolli and I were the Cadence Facilitators and we have to make up the drill and cadence. It's okay, I guess. We had to sing DOO-WOP. Did I already write this?

It was on Thursday and we sang Earth Angel. I guess they wanted to get us out of our comfort zone. Well, we broke into groups of three and when it was our turn to go, Bolli got called out to the captain or whatever and so Ruther stepped in for him. I swear, I already told this story. Anyway, Kent, the big, fat guy dressed up like a girl and I was serenading him on the stairs and as Ruther was singing, I kept yelling, What? and Yeah? and OKAY, like "Little John" and we took First place. Good times.

Friday, watched How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and Bounty Hunter on Saturday and 21 on Sunday.

I have been running for Physical Training in the morning and they only give us 15 minutes to shower after and I'm always sweating still after. Today had to watch more of this Bradshaw guy (inner child). He is so annoying and they had us go to A.A. today. Bolli and I signed up to facilitate the LDS 12 steps, but for some reason they won't let HOPE go down to it till we are out of track.

A.A. is funny. It's the same wherever you go. the people glorify their drug use and tell war stories about how much fun they were having while they were out committing crimes.

This program isn't going to keep you clean, your family isn't going to keep you clean, it has to be a choice. A concise choice that you make for YOU. or else, you can keep coming back to prison until you figure out that it's not fun anymore. More tomorrow (smily face)

July 21 Wednesday

It is our last day of the week that we are up. We have the rest of the week off because of Pioneer day. We had to go out for P.T. this morning and run and the alarm went off, so we had to get on the ground. It had rained last night , so the dirt was wet and muddy. SO we went to the grass and got down on our stomachs. Well, they yelled at us because we ran an extra 10 seconds to the grass, but I had my favorite white shirt on so it was worth it. HA!

We got some new people in the HOPE community and we had some leave, because they didn't have enough time. I'm not sure who did the statistics on HOPE graduates because there is multiple people back two and three times. It's a little scary to know that I could be another stat, but I'm hoping i won't. I know it won't be because of this program, because it's a joke here. I'll write more tomorrow! Movies this weekend Ninjas Creed, Losers, X-Files and Rocket man.

I really want to see my kids. I miss them so much! I've been taking this parenting class and it makes me sad to know how bad of a dad I have been. But it's hard to know how to raise a kid, I mean really at 23, I was still a kid trying to raise a baby. It ain't all fun and games fo sho!

Me and Cameron (Bolli) had drill practice and it's looking pretty good. I guess it's true what they say. .., Those who can't do...Teach. It's a lot better not having to march around and yell stupid cadence, so now I get to tell people where to march and what to yell.

Anyway, I've been thinking of plans I would like to do when I get out and I'm thinking maybe Las Vegas as a break from Utah and try and get my life together and still be close enough to get my kids whenever I can. that is if Stephanie will let me see them.

July 22 thursday

I tried to stay up late last night but I was tired so I went to sleep early and then woke up and ate my Thursday doughnut, which was very nasty and then went back to sleep and woke up with a stomach ache. So I stayed awake and was tired all day and didn't really feel like working out but Bolli made sure we did so I did a half a leg workout then got a letter from my Aunt DeAnn and also from my mom with pics of my kids and it said that I might be able to see them soon, so that made my day!

I still can't believe how big they are getting. Then after dinner I took a nap for an hour and a half and then watched Wipeout. I remember when I watched it with Tay and it had this Black ball that swung and knocked people over. She was so scared of it and I wonder now, what was going through her head to make her so scared.'

Okay, so I'm trying to write and my celly is obsessed with the #42 and he has it tattooed on his arm and he will keep getting my attention every time that he sees it or hears it on TV. It is so dang annoying. Ha. I really just want to get out of here. 9 months is long but I guess that it could be worse, Some people have years left, like 15 years. I really can't imagine 15 years from now, I'll be 44 and Tay would be 20 and Landon would be 17. That's scary. Anyway, more tomorrow.

7-23 Friday

More of the same today. My parents and my sister came and saw me today and it was so good to see them. It's been a couple of weeks because they went to Las Vegas to my cousin's missionary farewell. Then I came back and watched the rest of Friday night Lights, Flashpoint, ...(purple pen) Now just writing, not much goin on in this bird brain of mine so here is a little rhyme before bed time..

I swear that I care but it's hard when ya stare

into the bottom of a bottle that is empty and bare

Oh, my desperate soul, in my desolate home, it's my desolate role

Ya, I'm here all alone

I can't think of a reason to get out of bed

curtains closed ..lights are off...am I alive or am I dead

I haven't shaved in a week; I slur when I speak

Tolerance definitely at it's peak

So I sit in my room and I'll cry on my bed'

Thinkin about all the things wrong in my head

I keep trying to climb but the hill is too steep

So I take another pill and it's back to sleep.

7-26 Monday

Monday, so tired today. Stayed up late because I was still on weekend schedule. Went to the library today and got a Ludlum book and Demon and Angels by Dan Brown. My stomach hurt all day. the food has been making me sick lately. I'm hoping that the Mo's wash their hands down there in da kitchen. the weekend went too fast, had a good visit with parents and Jana and then called Mom on her birthday yesterday. they told me that my kids will be able to come see me so I'm excited about that. I was going to work out today, but was too tired and fell asleep from 5-6 so hopefully I get back on schedule tomorrow.

Before I fell out, I was thinking what if this is a bad dream that I can't wake up from? What if I'm just on my couch asleep and I'll wake up in my living room and my wife and kids are asleep upstairs. What if this is one of those wierd dreams that I have when I take Xanex and I still have my "good Life" But I know it's not a dream and I'm LIVING A NIGHTMARE!

8-7-10Saturday

Whoa...it's been awhile since I've written. I was looking for the pages to send out but there was only 3. Anyway, it's been a good couple of weeks even though I really haven't felt like writing. I got to see my kids last Saturday and I was feeling a little weird. Landon really didn't care that he hadn't seen me in awhile, but Tay was really happy to see me. She kept kissing me and she was making plans for when I get out. She wants me to take her to McDonalds. HA, it was so good to seem them both!

It's sad that I hadn't seen them face to face for 9 months. In here it's easy to get into a routine and time is just time, but when you see people from off the street it makes this real. It's a lot different than even letters, I'm not sure why. But I guess that's why I haven't felt like writing. Putting it down on paper makes me feel the feelings again and it is real. I am HERE and I feel guilty and ashamed that I've missed so much time, that I've turned my whole world upside down with my actions.

Well, they made me "crew Boss" so people that make "calls" on other people report them to me. I'm over the Motivation crew so I'm in charge of running the three meetings we have each day. Usually they don't put you in Leadership till you've been in HOPE for 6 months, but I guess they can tell I have alot of skills: Computer hacking shills, Nunchuck skills, etc.

Anyway, I had to write my impact on others, It's how I think that I've impacted others and how I think they felt. I wrote 20 pages and I have to read it in front of the community next week.

Then I'll be able to get my Step 3 and use the weights and the microwave. FUN!

I did get to see my parents and Jana and Tay. My parents were camping so they stopped and Jana brought Tay down. It's fun to seem them. I hope my parents don't mind that I don't chat that much, but I'm trying to give Tay all the attention I could.

Football season starts in 6 weeks. I'm mad at myself that I'm here and can't play Fantasy Football. But there is always the 2011 season.

Oh, I have to hurry and sent this out before I get racked in ...so more later.