LETTER-April 22,2010 (Thursday)

I (Debi) just posted yesterday and then today I got a new letter from McCord....so will update the UPDATE:

April 21, 2010 today at 2:00, they called me to roll-up and I got moved over to the "Hope" program.  IT's a 12 month rehab program.  So, I'm not sure what happens when I see the board?  If they make me finish the program or what.  It's crazy over here. There is alot of weird rules that I'll have to get used to.  I have to be on "Intensive" for 4 months where I do alot of classes a day.  I have to be productive for 40 hours a week.  I'm not looking forward to doing more rehab but I guess this is where I need to be to learn my lesson.  I'm not in a cell anymore.  I'm in a dorm and it's real open.  there are 12 guys in a dorm and 48 in the section.  I was going to call but I won't be able to get my level till next week, since I moved.

Well, I guess it's kind of been a bad week.  First I find out that I'm not seeing the board in  May and then I get moved to the Hope Program.  But I'm making the most of it and will get through it.  There is only one guy that I know over here, I knew him from R & O.

I just need to stay positive, it's easy to get down, especially since I was getting comfortable and I liked where I was at.  I've heard only bad about the program....that it's a snitch program, where you have to tell on other people to advance.  But I'm not sure, I guess I'll see.

I feel like I did when I first came into prison and only heard the bad and I didn't know what to expect.  But once I got situated, it wasn't too bad.

I was wondering if you could see if Tay and Landon could be there on Sundays.  I can talk to them, I think that it would help lift my spirits.  I kind of feel like I want  to cry.  I'm not sure why, I guess it's just change of scenery or maybe it's because sometimes when the board hears that you are in Hope, they give you enough time to complete it.  Although the kid's bed that I took just went to the board and he got out the following week, so you never know.  So I guess when you write the board, don't say that I'm in the Hope program.  I'm really hoping that I will go see the board in June.

I guess now I have to do all the assignments that I just done doing at Steps (rehab)

Anyway, I'm going to try calling around 4:50 on Sunday, I was going to call today, but I didn't have another phone call.  I only have the two and it won't reset until Sunday morning.

Well, on a lighter note, I got to listen to the Jazz game on the radio last night.  It was staticky but it was good to hear it and I'm glad they won.

When I got over to "FIR" which is my new section, they had a class going ann they had a break and came back to the section.  They asked if I wanted to go and watch the rest of it, so I did.  It was a movie about a guy with a porn addiction and it was ruining his marriage and so he got some help.  ANyway, he was clean or whatever they call it when they don't look at it for 40 days and was trying to get his wife back and she was dating a Dr. from the hospital that she worked at.  Anyway, through the help of the Lord and his family, they lived happily ever after.  HMM, does that even exist?

I was thinking to myself that that is kind of what I've been looking for....a happily ever after, but I'm pretty sure that it doesn't exist.

Sorry this is kind of like my journal and a letter in one,but I've found that through writing it's a good release and I can vent.

Well I do feel better now that I've written and I'm going to send this off.  I love you and thanks for all you do for me and for all your love and prayers.  I'll talk to you Sunday.

Love Cord


(Debi:  Please include McCord in your prayers...he seems to be down and struggling. Thanks)

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MORE OLD LETTERS starting April 7, 2010 THURSDAY

Today was a good day.  Woke up at 6, had a decent breakfast, worked out, watched Regis and Kelley, then Law & Order . had lunch, went to the yard and got some sun, played basketball for 2 hours, then came inside and read till dinner.  then tried to get the move for Friday figured out.  One guy in the move is being stupid so we'll see if it happens.

I got a book on "ZEN" from the library.  IT's kind of interesting how most people think that ZEN and Buddhism are together or that people think that ZEN is a religion.  Zen is something that can't be explained and if practiced it isn't ZEN.  HMMM. kind of makes you think a little bit.  I'm trying to get a book called "The Way of Zen", which I'll probably have to order.

I sent letters out to my family last night, I've gotten quite a few and I've tried to answer everyone's questions.

Tensions are high right now with the Mexicans.  They are rolling deep right now, there is like 22 out of 32 people, there is only about 4 white guys out of the 10 that would do anything if something popped off.  I can feel something might do gown here pretty soon.  They are all small but they all have each other's back and if you fight one you fight them all!  They are trying to run the section and trying to punk us white guys.  The rest of the white guys are sex offenders and they aren't going to have anyone's back.
I just need to stay in line and let the little things go.  However, if you let too much go you get labeled as a punk or a lame and that's not good.  I'm not trying to get more time tacked on for stupid stuff.

Anyway, I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which was awesome and last night I had Frosted Flakes.  I borrowed a CD player and Nickelback CD, which I'm listening to right now.  Music is a good release for me as long as I'm listening to soothing music.  I've loved music my whole life and I'm going to try to get into music theory class in May.  Once I take that I can take guitar 1 and guitar 2 which will be cool, hopefully it's not too easy as I already can play pretty good.

I've been thinking alot of ideas and have a bunch of little businesses I think are good ideas.  I'm going to the library and see if I can look up some material.  Also, I have email and web sites to Federal grants that help people get started.

My brain feels scattered right now.  I'm thinking of the doughnut that I get in the morning.  Some of my favorite songs are right now: The Script, Train Soul Sister, We the Kings, BOE Nothin on you, one Republic-ALl the right things.  ALso Carrie Underwood has a new song out, My Temporary Home, which is a good theme song for me.  But I really like the "We the Kings" new song. More later..

April 10, 2010 SATURDAY

Haven't written in a while.  The last couple days have gone by so quick.  I can't believe that it's almost the start of a new week.  I went out to the yard today and played basketball.  I've been playing soft like High School ball.  But here I guess they play Prison rules and like to bang around. So I had to step up my game.  I was chasing a ball down and knocked a guy over.  A guy on the sideline said, "Man, he's like  a line-backer".  I guess I was playing too rough.

I borrowed the CD player again and I got a Kelly Clarkson CD.  It's funny how my music preferences have changed.  Or maybe it's the lack of female influence in here.  But I've been listening to alot of girl singers.

I didn't get to move in with Rooster.  Alot of people put in move requests and the computers were  down so they said they would do them this coming Friday.

My head got sunburned from being outside the last few days so today it is peeling.  I have razors that I bought off commissasry so I shave my head every other day.  It makes me feel almost normal, wearing a white t, sweats and being able to shave when ever I want.  I still get locked down, well not locked down, but I have to be in my house at 6:00 the door is open and I can choose o stay in or go out.  If I go out and get caught I get a negative C-note and 3 of them in one month is a write up and I lose privileges so I just do what I'm told and stay in my cell.  But after 6:00 is when I read and write and get caught up on everything.  I usually am in bed by 10:00 and out by 10:30.  It's nice because my "night light" is burned out so it's pitch black and the radio stays on. SO I'm out quick.

1/2 of April is over. Only one more month and I'll see the board.  I month and it's been 6 months of lock up.  In two weeks I can have visits and hopefully my kids can come in and see me.  It will be good to see everyone.  Visits are two hours and they are contact visits where we all sit at a table.  I had to go down to sign papers and it's pretty nice.  there is vending machines so if people bring quarters, we can all enjoy a coke and a smile...
More tomorrow going to fall asleep listening to Kelly Clarkson.

April 12, 2010 MONDAY

Today was another quick one.  Got a letter from Mom, actually two.  Then after breakfast worked out from 7-8 and then went out to the yard and ran basketball for 2 hours.  Rooster let me use his Nike's and they helped a ton.  I could actually run without my arches and my heels hurting.  It feels like my heels are bruised after I use the State shoes too long.  After, I came back inside and finished my workout, then had lunch.  It was tortilla chips, sour cream, beans, and nacho sauce.  It was okay but not very filling.  After lunch my body was so tired I layed down and fell asleep listening to Kelly Clarkson again.  I slept from 12 to 4:00, woke up..it was dinner time.  The worst dinner I've had yet.  It was nasty stew and corn  and that was it.  At least they gave me bread so I can make an PB&J later.

I called home last night and after the call was accepted Taylar was on the phone.  She seemed like she was doing okay, I hope.  I miss them like crazy.  Landon talked to me for a second  "Hi, da da, Love you Da Da' that was it.  Then I talked to Josh for awhile and Jana and then Tay again.  She had an Easter basket so she was more interested in that.

April is going by so fast, is it bad that it's going by so fast and that I'm getting comfortable in here?  I know that it's set up for doing long periods of time, but you could really kill some time in here.  They brought in Alvin and the Chipmunks the Squeakquil.  It's almost funny that a bunch of grown ass men are sitting around a tiny tv with a kids' show on laughing at little rodents singing a Beyonce song..Stupid.
They showed "Hatch" on Saturday and New Moon on Sunday.  New Moon was much better on the movie then the book.  The book is so lame and boring...having to listen to Belle whine about..alright..too much time wasted on New Moon.

A month away from my parole hearing and a month away from going to DCFS.  I want to move the date because I have to go back  up to Draper and A-West.  Did I already say this?  The days really are a blur. But anyway, I have to pack my cell up and put it in property and then I can't take anything to Draper.  Kind of stupid.  All for a dumb court hearing in Kangaroo Court.

APril 16, 2010 FRIDAY

I haven't written in awhile, so I decided I would sit and write.  I got moved today to cell 203 bottom.  WE finally got people to sign off on doing a move.  Greefo and another guy got hit on the tattoo checks, so they had to go to section 6 where it's 24 hr lock down, so we convinced the guy in 203 to trade me sots and Rooster moved to the empty bunk so I'm out of the Laos man's cell  ALthough he must like me because he keeps coming by my cell and talking to me.

The only thing hat I don't like is that I'm on the bottom tier and everyone walks by and talks to us.  I guess it's okay but it seems to be louder down here.  I've watched Ellen the last two days and it's funny to watch her and it's good to see celebrities.

People are starting to bug me.  My old celly Johnny keeps coming over to my cell and talks and talks and  talks about stupid stuff. IT's so annoying.  I watched a movie today that was pretty good. It's called Everything is Fine.  It's about a grandpa who's wife dies and wants his kids to come visit.  Anyway it made me think.

April 17, 2010  SAtURDAY

It's crazy how even in here it can feel like a Sunday.  I didn't go out to the rec yard, I slept in.  Me and Rooster stayed up til 1 last night swapping stories. So after breakfast we both went back to sleep.  Lunch and then a move, "The Box" with Cameron Diaz. It was different and didn't explain anything at the end. After had dinner, Nasty burgers.  and then watched the news and now just writing.

A month to go to the board and I'm a little nervous, even though I'm on two 0-5's it still started out as a 5 to life and my priors are really violent so that's scary.  I'm really just hoping that I get to be home for Christmas.  I missed last years and it really messed with me. The last time I was locked up for Christmas I didn't have kids so it wasn't as hard as this time and then going through a divorce also it sucks.  Even though it's like I get a new start and doing it over I can do it right.  I'm hoping that my kids are okay and doing well.  It's not fun being away from them and worrying about them.  It broke my heart when Tay asked me when I was going to get out.  She sounded sad when I told her I didn't know and Landon in his early years 2 & 3 when he is so easily influenced and not having his dad there ha to be hard.

 I just need to remember how it is in here, I keep saying that but I really need to, it's so easy to forget and it's so easy to come back.  There are people that have come back and they actually seem happy to be back here. I really never want to come back or see anyone in here ever again.  I want to go to sleep and wake up in my own bed and not wake up to a door sliding open.  I want to be able to shower without having to wear flipflops for fear of getting a fungus disease.  I want to be able to eat when and what I want.  I want to be able to wear what clothes I want and wear my own shoes. I want to be able to have my choices back.

ANyway, looking forward to at least having my end date so I can stop worrying or stop wondering when I'll be getting out.  Knowledge is power,remember what you learn from experiences and use them to your benefit.  Turn every negative into a positive for in this strength lies.  Without pleasure there is no pain, without confinement there is no freedom and with that I'm out...

April 18, 2010  SUNDAY

Had a decent day.  Last night the Jazz lost to Denver.  I stayed up and listened to it even though it was really staticy.  today watched the Laker's game.  I was hoping that the Oklahoma City would win so if the Jazz knock off the Nuggets, they would have an easier time beating OK.

 well, I got to call home and talk to my mom, dad and Jana for a minute.  Then I came in and read some old WWE magazines from 2007.

I guess that Steph was sad that I didn't ask Tay about her.  Why would I ask a 5 year old how my ex-wife is doing?  She hasn't even sent me pics so I can see how big they are getting...More tonite...